Like ABBA said, breaking up is never easy. The funny thing is that whether someone broke up with you or you did the breaking up, the breaking-up period is usually one of turmoil. Of course, your ego takes more of a beating if you’re the dumpee but being the dumper is no fun either. This is particularly true if the other person wasn’t a bad person. If it wasn’t that they were a horrible, nasty person who made you feel bad about yourself, telling that person the relationship is over is tough and the aftermath can be difficult. You wonder if you’ve done the right thing and hope you haven’t made an enemy in your search for relationship-happiness.
Either way, break ups are a particularly trying time in life so to make that situation a little easier for you, below are 3 important things to do after a relationship has ended:
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1 Allow yourself to mourn
Everyone wants the ability to get back up and move on with their life immediately after a break up. That’s not easy though. And maybe it’s not even healthy. Look at your physical body. When you get a cut, it takes time to heal. The same goes for a wound that cannot be seen with the eye. When you’ve been hurt by someone or are in emotional pain, you’re going to need time to heal. Don’t try to act as if you don’t need it and don’t try to rush through the period. But don’t stay there too long either. Don’t hold on to resentment or let negative feelings fester. Going back to physical injuries, remember that if you don’t take care of one, it can lead to an infection and land you in proper trouble. The same goes for emotional wounds. If you don’t take care of it, if you let the pain and hurt build inside you and you find yourself planning all sorts of bad things to do to the person who hurt you, you’ll find yourself in a worse position than before. Feel the pain but work on getting better again.
2 Rebuild your life
When a relationship ends, you may suddenly find out how much of your life was tied to the other person. Perhaps when you were broke, they gave you money. When you needed a ride somewhere, they took you there. When you had an event you didn’t want to go to alone, they were by your side. And now, all those that is gone. You realise you have to do it all yourself. This can seem overwhelming when the break up first happens but you can put a positive spin on it. Being single again gives you the chance to build your life back up exactly the way you want it. Please don’t say you liked your life the way it was. That way of life is gone. It has ended. You have to move forward now so focus on rebuilding your life. One thing that can help is to think about all the things you liked doing but couldn’t do when you were with your partner (perhaps because they didn’t like those things) and start doing them again. For example, maybe you liked frying and eating plantain but never did because your partner didn’t like the smell of the hot oil in the pan. Now, you can. That example I just gave was a small and maybe amusing one but I used it to give you an idea of the little ways you can start to recreate your life. Don’t wait for permission or a sign. Start doing the things you love again.
3 Plan your future
Now that you’ve mourned the end of your relationship and have begun rebuilding your life, it’s time to plan your future – specifically your future relationships. If you hope to be in a relationship in the future, now is the time to start planning what it will be like. I know it’s more romantic to be all up in the air and be like “Oh, I’ll just see what happens”, it’s more sensible to actually take steps towards making sure your next relationship is the kind you want. In order to achieve that, you have to know what you want out of your next relationship. One thing you can do here is to look back at your past relationships, remember what you didn’t like about them and write down the opposite as what you want in your next relationship. For example, if your last boyfriend always yelled at you when he was angry, write down that you want a boyfriend who will always speak to you with calm and respect. Come up with a list of things you want from your next relationship. Write down as many things as you can think of. After you do that, prune your list down to 5 things that are most important to you. Those are the things you will focus on and which you’ll watch out for in people you date. Only then should you choose the person who seems most likely to provide you with the qualities you want in a relationship because, make no mistake about it, going into a relationship is a choice. Make sure you choose well.
If you’re going through a break up now and want a little extra help, you should try my coaching. Find out my coaching rates by clicking here. To book a 1 hour one-on-one coaching session with me, send an email to lape(at)lapesoetan(dot)com today.
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